The 5 Questions to Answer Before an Ask

Dia Bondi 00:02

But whatI've seen over and over again is that we can name and claim our purpose,actually, if we look back and harvest it from what we've already done in ourlives, because the chances are your purpose is what you've been doing all thetime. Hey everyone, welcome to the Dr. Bondi show a big podcast for women withgoals. I'm Dia Bondi, and I'm on a mission to help women ask for more and getit resource their dreams, and have a blast doing it. I'm so happy to be herewith my on air producer. What did we say last time on air bestie Arthur LeonAdams the third aka baby a Hi baby a hashtag on air bestie. So nice to see youcan't see him right now. But he is I can see him because we're recording over avideo platform and you look great. Oh, thank

Arthur  01:08

you.Thank you as well.

Dia Bondi 01:10

Do youjump some rope today?

Arthur  01:11

I didn'ttoday but I did on Wednesday. Good for you.

Dia Bondi 01:14

Not tonerd out on jump rope. But here we go. People have been a nerd out on jump

Arthur  01:17

rope.Well, you You, you, you you put something out on Instagram about jumping rope.

Dia Bondi 01:21

And alsohaving joined me rope I go through like funny little hobbies where I'm like,What is my next fitness thing that I'm doing? I don't have to be like, amazingat it. But I have to, I just want to like see what that's all about. Andjumprope has kind of made it for me. So So I By the way, I have never, never doI count skips, right. I always do it by I use like a wad timer. And I always doby timer for like two minutes on, you know, three minutes on, two minutes off,you know, and then I'll and then I'll just pick, I'll just pick sometimes, likewhat kinds of jumping, what kind of jumping I'm doing in between. But right nowI'm wanting to tackle more some freestyle stuff, which means I'm jumping andalso trying to do tricks while I'm jumping. But the crazy thing is that I nowam jumping I have three different ropes that I take to the park with me and I haveone that's actually a half pound rope. And it is crazy. The the tiredness thatI have now is actually not in my legs or my calves. It's totally like trying todo a double under and whipping a half pound rope down under your feet is hard.Like I have to actually slam it down to get it under my feet twice, you know togo round twice before my feet hit the ground again. And today I ran I workedwith that rope hard enough that I got to a place where I couldn't basicallyhold on to it anymore. You know, because my arms are burning so much and Itossed it away and I felt

Arthur  02:48

like aboss. Yeah, jump rope boss.

Dia Bondi 02:51

Oh mygosh, it's so fun. It's so and it's so available. Those of you who arelistening and you're like yeah, I used to love jumping rope when I was 12 now'sthe time you can go you too can jump rope again as a grown ass woman.

Arthur  03:04

Yeah, Ijust find that it's like the easiest and quickest way for me to get some reallygood aerobic exercise a few days a week.

Dia Bondi 03:13

Yeah,and it can go with you anywhere. I take mine when we go camping with the kids.I take my ropes with me and I have like a rollout pad that I use and it's thebest. It's just the best. Yeah,

Arthur  03:21

I just Ihave a rollout pad. I put it in the patio on the back and I just do it. That'sprobably for about a half hour or so. Yeah, that's pretty good. But I'm up to2000 I don't count them, you know from one to 2000 I count them in sets of 100but

Dia Bondi 03:34

you gotyou got a good attention span. I'd be like 1719 to what Wait, where am I likeI'm not so good at that.

Arthur  03:39

I alsolistened to podcasts while I do it. Right not

Dia Bondi 03:41

music.Maybe those of you who are picking up a jumper, you can listen to the Deobandishow where you get your 1000 skips in. Alright, that was a lot of talking aboutjumping rope a lot.

Arthur  03:51

Yeah.But I know that you have something else on your mind that you want to talkabout.

Dia Bondi 03:56

I do Iwant to talk about name it and claim it. I'm gonna try to keep it pretty brief.And that's tough for me as y'all know. I Okay, so my good friend Do you know,He always talks about naming it and claiming it and and I didn't really know,but I didn't know what it means. But like, I kind of was like, What is it forus to name it and claim it. And I'm and last week, last week, two weeks ago, Ilast week, I don't know time is just what's going on with time. It's like It'slike folding in on itself a year into the pandemic it is folding in on itself.Some at some day a little while ago. I gave a I gave a workshop and I we dothis thing called a purpose platform exercise. And the idea is to identify yourpurpose platform as a platform for more courageous storytelling and communicationsin your roles in your leadership. Okay, and you know, purpose is such a loadedword. It's so easy for us to look to ask the question, what is purpose and tolook out over the horizon, look out into or look down into the abyss or, youknow, to look forward. But what I've seen over and over again, is that we canname and claim or purpose, actually, if we look back and harvest it from whatwe've already done in our lives, because the chances are, your purpose is whatyou've been doing all the time. And purpose to me isn't just about like, mypurpose is to own a business. It's not about like, activity, or the way thatyou bring it to life. It's about your role in the world. And the impact thatthat has, are you the peacekeeper so that we can collaborate with more ease?Are you you know, I am, I think of myself as like the earthquake that can helpchange perspective. You know, you can use a metaphor you can you can just saywhat you do. But I think so often, it's easy for us to imagine that our purposeis something we have not yet found, or it's something to find that it'selusive. When know you can actually look back over the course of your life,what would have been my peak experiences? What if I always want it? What did Imake? What have I made happen? And who did I have to be in order to make thathappen? And from that, you can say, oh, what, there are some clear themes I'mseeing here, it looks to me, like every at every pivot point. And every momentthat mattered to me, I was being the earthquake that changed perspective tomake that happen. And so naming it and then claiming it as a purpose instead ofreaching for it. And finding it out there in the mystery has a lot of power forus. So I just want to encourage listeners to like, look back and name it and claimit, you don't have to like, you know, it's nothing to chase.

Arthur  06:50

Speakingof naming it and claiming it a few episodes back, we sort of each named our owninternal contradictions, and then claimed the benefits that that thosecontradictions, you know, brought forth in our lives.

Dia Bondi 07:07

Wait,can I just say segways? what that was, that was a segue way to good segue. Verynice, baby.

Arthur  07:16

And youknow, and you made it all the better by calling it out?

Dia Bondi 07:21

I justnamed it Oh,

Arthur  07:23

yeah,you named it?

Dia Bondi 07:25

I'mgood. Yes, we did. So

Arthur  07:28

weasked, we asked you, the listeners to call in with your personal contradictionsthat exist within yourself, to name them, and to name them and claim them.That's right. So we have one here, someone called in and left there's and it'sreally, really interesting. So I thought I'd play that we can listen to itright now.

Dia Bondi 07:47

Soexcited. I have not I only heard the like little first bit of it. I didn't hearthe whole thing. And I'm so excited.

Arthur  07:52

Here wego.

07:55

Hi, Dia.This is Amy Harrington from the passion project. And I love being a sensitivewarrior. I can go head to head with anyone, no matter how tough they are whenI'm standing up for something I believe. But I'm also very sensitive, whichallows me to be empathetic to what people need to get to a place where we bothfeel satisfied with the outcome. Thanks for everything you're doing here.You're the best. Bye.

Dia Bondi 08:20

Love. Sogood.

Arthur  08:22

Yeah.

Dia Bondi 08:23

What'swhat's interesting about that is that like sensitive warrior, I can see howthose work together. There's like a tenderness and a strength at the very sametime. What's different about hers, it stands out is that neither of those sidesof those contradictions are ones that you would naturally or or we you might betempted to sort of, like negate or pretend, you know, want it to go away? Youknow, like we, when we were talking about contradictions, a few episodes back,we were saying that, you know, that that there's sometimes like a light sideand a dark side, right? And that reframing it so that the dark side feels notlike a problem, but instead actually offers us some value. She says sensitive,sensitive, right sensitive warrior, both of those things are things that arelike neither of them are the one that I would pick to go Oh, and I shouldn't besuch a warrior I shouldn't like they're easy to embrace. It's easy to embraceboth of those.

Arthur  09:17

Yeah,but I can see some people thinking of either of those things negatively, likeOh, you're too sensitive or Oh, you're too aggressive you know, so I see howthat they are contradictory and, but can also be complimentary.

Dia Bondi 09:34

I lovethat you're naming that. That Yes, like, oh, you're too sensitive. That couldbe just her choice of words she could have so I would imagine that she could soeasily replace, you know, sensitive and warrior with other words that feel morenegative, but she's somehow named that it's in a way that can claim it morepowerfully. Beautiful. Oh, I want to hear I want to hear everybody's

Arthur  10:00

If youhave a polarity or contradiction within yourself that you want to call and tellus about, you can call us at 341-333-2997. Leave a message, and maybe we'lltalk about it on a future episode. You can also call us just to ask a question.Or if you want to tell us how much you love the podcast. Another way that youcan tell us you love the podcast is by rating it, reviewing it, and subscribingto it on your favorite podcast platform. And by sharing it with your friends,

Dia Bondi 10:30

sharingis caring.

Arthur  10:34

Sotoday, you told me that you're going to talk about something called the fivequestions. I don't know what they are. But I'm excited to find out.

Dia Bondi 10:41

Yeah,the five questions. These are the five questions that you can ask and answeryourself. to muster more courage to make bigger asks that help you reach yourgoals faster. Every time I will speak with somebody about an upcoming askthey're going to make, this is kind of always where I'm going to start. Andthat tends to be really useful answers that if you get them for yourself, tohelp set you up for a most your most powerful ask in front of you. So I'mready. Are you ready? Arthur? I am ready. Okay, the five questions that youneed to answer before you go in to any of your upcoming asks. So questionnumber one, what are you asking for? And is it big enough? I guess it soundslike two questions, but it's really one. What are you asking for? And is it bigenough? And how you're going to how you're going to know whether it's bigenough is if it gives you the volume of the Ask meaning, you know, asking formore money, or I'm asking for in the bucket of influence, maybe you're askingto get in front of a stage that feels bigger than anything you've ever donebefore, or you're looking for mentorship with somebody who feels a little bitout of reach, right? Just, you know, it feels big enough, because it starts toput you in something I like to call the zone freaking out with the which is theopposite of the comfort zone. So I know it starts to be big enough when I startto get that feeling. And also when it starts to address the second question youcan you can answer which is how does this ask get you closer to your biggergoals? How does this ask get you closer to your goals? If you know reallyclearly how this one asks that you're about to make gets you closer to yourgoals, that's going to create some gravity around it for you and deepen yourcommitment to making to making a Bigger Bolder ask because you can see how muchtraction it can give you. And then the third question is around values andvalue. This is where this you know, as you as you build a strategy around yourask can really get some teeth in it, which is to say is how you and youraudience measure value similar or different. I had a woman who came to one ofmy sessions a lot early, early on in this project asked like an auctioneer, andshe was really fighting to get a raise. Because how she was evaluating herselfwas actually really different than how the folks that she was working forevaluate a particular performance in she was actually an instructor and anorganization. Instructors performance. So the way they were both identifyinghow much value they were putting into the organization or what the each valuedwas so different that it was it was it was difficult for her to a tell thestory and be she was getting frustrated by telling them and showing them overand over again how much value she brings when it's not actually what theyvalue. So when we can bridge that gap a little bit and get clear about here'swhat I value, here's what I understand they value is there a way that I canalign them more clearly by either demonstrating or showing how those two valuesor what we value are related or that we can beef up the the the story this isnot about lying beefing up, but like we can actually do the work to make whatthey what our audience or our Ask he is value enough for that to start to be ontheir radar in a way they can say yes to. So that's 1/4 question you can ask tohelp you craft a more strategic bold and fruitful ask is to understand what yourreserve is. Here's the question. What is your reserve? This is the minimumyou'd accept as a counter offer. Now it's hard sometimes to think about areserve when it's non monetary. Maybe it's about the level of engagement oreffort somebody is willing to say yes to Back to you maybe as a collaborator,maybe as a counterpart in your, in your role at work, maybe as a mentor or anadvisor into what you're trying to do, if you actually need them to spend, youknow, three hours a month on board meetings, but they can only do it, they canonly rewatch a recording because it doesn't work and they give you 30 minutesof 30 minutes of their of your attention outside of the actual schedule. Areyou gonna say yes to that? So how do we how do we actually put some boundariesaround what will say yes to when a counter offer and this isn't about rejectingsomebody, because they're just not doing enough. This is about helping, helpingthe people that you engage, you're, you're engaged in these, in these asks, beable to be successful with you and to actually add value to the thing thatyou're doing. This can be really and also it helps you not say yes to somethingthat that actually isn't anemic, it makes your strategies more anemic. Youknow, we want we want you to get yeses that are above your reserves, so thatyou can actually resource your goal and your dream. If you need $40,000 budgetto get the project done at work and you settle for 32,000 are you actuallygetting the thing that you need to be successful in the goal at hand. So inthis way, you're not just standing up for yourself, but you're standing up forwhat for what your goal actually needs in order to come to fruition. And thatis that takes strength and it takes some generosity of heart toward the thingyou're trying to build in the world toward the thing you're trying to do andchampioning that. So knowing what your ask yourself, what is my reserve Really?And in fact, Can I just tell a personal story around this the other day, ofcourse, so I him this season, I had been in conversation with somebody who wasgoing to come on board and, and help grow a particular part of the bit mybusiness and started a conversation around sort of sales and businessdevelopment. And over the course of our conversations, this person had saidsaid to me, that she couldn't commit to doing what we had talked about earlier,but would be loved to be in a role of like referrals and advice. And well, Iloved her counter offered to me and I can you know, she came to it with it mostas much generosity as she could. It didn't meet my reserve. I had to say thankyou so much for this generous offer and the intention behind it. If I'm goingto invest in a relationship to draw to grow the business I need I need somebodywho is in who is saying yes to these other things. I don't need more of whatyou're offering I need more of the thing I talked to you about originally, so Ihad to say no to her counteroffer and it wasn't it wasn't a nickel and dimemoment it wasn't a moment where you could be like Mike my account you know, Iwon't say yes to less than X dollars or something that feels new miracle thatyou can measure really clearly it was about the level of effort and engagementin a relationship and and whether that's what actually the business needed. Sowe it was a little I had a little sting in my heart when I sent my note back toher to say like, oh, thank you so much for this offer. It's not something I cansay yes to. And I my first reaction when I got her note was to say like, Oh,that's so nice of her. Yes, we should do that. And then I went wait dia doesthis is this actually, is this actually a thing that will get us closer to ourgoals? And the answer was no. And so it was actually below my reserve belowwhat I could say yes to as a as a counteroffer. Now, step number five, questionnumber five is, what will you do? If you go to make this big ask that helps youreach your goals that is aligned to what you value and what they value? And youknow, your reserve? What will you do? If you get to know people ask me all thetime do what if I go make this ask and I get to know what do I do? And myanswer isn't here's what to do. My answer is great question. What do you wantto do? If you get a no? And if you have the answer to that, going into theconversation around a particular ask that you have that helps you get closer toyour goals. You're not going to feel like the answer that you get is thecoldest sack of your dreams. You're not going to feel like the answer you getholds you and your goals hostage. instead you're going to see this more as aspeed bump a moment in time. So if you can craft out for yourself reallyclearly if I get a no to this, here's my plan. This will just be a this willjust be like I said a moment in time along your pathway. Your goals, not thething that will kill them all together. So, in review, question one, what am Iasking for is big enough? Question two? How does this ask get me closer to mygreater goals? Question number three is how I value and how my audience valuesor measures value similar or different and how and how do I close that gap forwhat is your reserve or the minimum you'd accept as a counteroffer? And five,what will you do if you get to know if you answer all five of these questions,you're going to be in a better position to have a successful outcomespecifically in that ask but also a successful continuation of the momentumthat you might have toward your goals and not feel like any one negotiationanyone moment holds your holds those those dreams and goals that you havehostage? You have choice? So those Arthur, baby baby a are the those are thefive questions right there.

Arthur  21:09

Oh, andI you know what?

Dia Bondi 21:10

I'veheard those before. You have I'm sure. Yeah.

Arthur  21:14

I mean,you talked about them all in the videos that we made. That's right.

Dia Bondi 21:17

That'sright. These are the core. These are the core ideas inside of the my minicourse online. if folks want to take that I can link it, I can link it to thisepisode. It's called Ask like an auctioneer. Welcome to Zoho.

Arthur  21:28

Yeah. SoI have a question for you about one of the questions. Okay, kind of a questionand more just something that I think about, and it's about the knowing ofreserve. And, you know, I think that as a freelancer and our independentcontractor who works doing a lot of different types of things, it's kind ofhard to know what your reserve is, or it's kind of hard to figure out what itis from project to project. Because sometimes you just feel like, I just, Ineed to do this. And I'll take what I can get,

Dia Bondi 22:00

I lovethat you say this, because because the IT management, what's important is toknow what's important, right? You know, there have been a lot of moments in my careerwhere I had to really look at it at a project and understand a project, look atmy goals. And understand if my reserve was tied to money, or my reserve wastied to, you know, how deeply I was involved with a project at my reserve wastied to travel. I mean, sometimes, you know, money isn't the only thing, right?And for some of you listening, right, Matt, right now, you might be looking atchanging roles or changing careers where Yes, the reserve might not be afinancial one, the reserve might be like, you know, you're gonna have a reservethat is financial, obviously, you need to like be able to survive, there has tobe a minimum there. But there might be a reserve to say, if I don't get to workon this part of the business, I don't want to say yes to this. Or if I don'tget to be I mean, you do a lot of directing it. You might be like, if I don'tget to direct, I can't say yes to this. But But I would even do it for a superlow Bono rate. Because this is such an incredible learning experience for me,or an amazing exposure. That's why I talk about some asks about influence thatthat in that case, are there, you might say yes to something. And your reservemight be around what you get to work on and less about the money because you'regrowing influence in your industry?

Arthur  23:24

Absolutely.No, no, I, I totally agree with that. And there's, you know, you have adifferent reserve, or I personally would have a different reserve for making amusic video for a cool band that I know and like, as opposed to, you know,directing a video for a tech company.

Dia Bondi 23:39

Yeah.And it just depends on what you're attaching your reserve to, or, you know, andthat is totally about what matters to you,

Arthur  23:46

right?And well, in the case of the music video, it's like, oh, well, this will befun, and I'll get to do something completely creative. That's my own idea. Andso it doesn't reserve is will it be fun?

Dia Bondi 23:57

Exactly.I love I love that. How much fun do you want? And what kind you know, does itinclude travel or not include traveler yet all of those things? Which is whyinterestingly, when I talk about asking for more and getting it I don't youwon't hear me say negotiation very often. Because negotiation applies impliesoften, it's sort of not a big enough word. For me. It is a component, you know,it's the thing we're doing, we are negotiating, but the things I really careabout is helping you listeners get clear, get more clear and have some toolsthat are courage making that help you say even in the face of everyone tellingyou that money matters in one moment when it might not matter to you and to beable to stand up for that. Or to notice that like where you know an audience oryour all your friends are saying, you know, money isn't important. And for youto say no, actually it is I it's all about what Matt what is important to youand being able to use that information to craft what a reserved look like foryou,

Arthur  25:01

I did aproject kind of recently one of the only shoots that I've done during thepandemic. And it was for a client I'd never worked for before. And they claimedthat they didn't need a director, they just needed me to produce. But it wassuch a small shoot and there was no director, I knew that I would end updirecting. And because the the rate was fine. And I knew that I would bedirecting even if the client is not acknowledging that I'm directing I knewthat I could use the put the footage of my reel. Yes. You know, I directedthis.

Dia Bondi 25:33

Yep, Ithink it's all about you know, we have to identify our our reserves based onwhat actually is important to us, number one, and number two, knowing what totarget and and identify as a reserve is tied to your goals. So if you want toround out, for example, if one of your goals is to land, you know, a directorrole on a music video shoot for a certain profile of band in a particulargenre. Okay, that's a goal. Yeah, you might, you might know that a majorcomponent of doing that is rounding out and having work you can show thatestablishes credibility with exactly that profile. And if you don't yet havethat in your portfolio, you're reserved, you may do something for 99 cents, ifit if it if if the Ask then is whether the client knows it or not, you know, canI kind of be in a director role for this? Because that has more that is thething that gets you closer to your goals than whether you're doing it for 99cents? 99 bucks or $99,000? So it's it that's why that second question of youknow, does this ask actually get you closer to your goals? And are the reservecomponents, the components of the ask that you would say, our reserves, doesthat support you reaching your goal? They're linked.

Arthur  26:57

What Ilove about doing this podcast with you is that, you know, it's fun, but I alsoI'm, I'm learning from it.

Dia Bondi 27:05

Oh,that's a nice thing for you to say thank you. I am to, you know, all of this.You know, every time I talk to a new group of folks, every time I teach aworkshop every time I have a conversation with you, every time I hear from ourlisteners, I'm learning all the time, and mostly what I'm doing is just helpingus all name it and claim it.

Arthur  27:22

Hashtagname and claim it's alright, we'll see you next time everybody. love being

Dia Bondi 27:26

herewith you. This Podcast is a production of Dia Bondi Communications and isproduced and music ified by Arthur Leon Adams the third, aka baby a. You canlike share rate and subscribe at Apple podcasts, Google podcasts, Spotify orwherever you get your favorite podcasts. Find us at Deobandi calm or follow uson Instagram at the Dia Bondi show. Want to shoot us a question for the show.Call us at 341-333-2997

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